Sad Pug Dog with Sex Excuses Are you not in the mood for a round of lovemaking tonight? Do you need a break from the wild animal that is your husband? Fret not, dear ladies.

Here’s 100 excuses you can use when you’re not in the mood for sex. And while some of you might choose to follow Michelle Duggar’s philosophy on sex, I fully respect that, but we all know that she’s been pregnant for at least 16 years of her life and counting. ┬áNot to mention that women have needs, too…including SLEEP.

1 I’m tired.
2 I don’t want to wake up the kids.
3 It’s that time of the month.
4 I have a headache.
5 I’m not in the mood.
6 I have fleas.
7 You have morning breath.
8 We’ll wake up the neighbors.
9 I haven’t showered in 10 days.
10 It will mess up my makeup.
11 I have cramps.
12 I have to go to work.
13 I promised my grandma I’d shave her upper lip.
14 We don’t have enough time.
15 My legs are hairy.
16 I haven’t trimmed my toenails in 2 months.
17 I’m too mad at you.
18 I don’t feel sexy.
19 I’m too gassy tonight.
20 I need to clean the kitchen.
21 I’m not wearing my good panties.
22 I have to give the dog a bath.
23 I have to go to my colon hydrotherapy appointment.
24 I’m asleep.
25 My favorite show is on right now.
26 You didn’t shower today.
27 I just made the bed.
28 I don’t like sex.
29 I just joined a convent.
30 I’d rather eat a pizza right now.
31 I promised your mother I’d call her to catch up.
32 The kids are still awake.
33 I have to take out the trash.
34 I haven’t done my kegels today.
35 If it’s not like the scene from Breaking Dawn, it won’t work out for me.
36 I don’t want to scare the cats.
37 You’re too loud and it hurts my ears.
38 I’ve got a date with my girlfriends for ice cream.
39 I promised the kids I’d sleep on the couch tonight.
40 I don’t feel close to you right now.
41 I ate too much garlic.
42 I need to wash my hair.
43 The ob-gyn said I might have a rare infection.
44 I just gave birth and can’t do it for a month.
45 I hurt my back baking cookies today.
46 I have a stomachache.
47 Do you know if a UTI is contagious? Because I have one.
48 My water broke.
49 I forgot to take my Prozac.
50 My bra is stuck.
51 I ate too much ice cream and I’m lactose intolerant.
52 I have poison ivy all over the lower half of my body.
53 I left my purse at Target and need to go pick it up.
54 The neighbors asked me to visit them at midnight.
55 My lips hurt real bad.
56 I want to remain a virgin.
57 I have diarrhea and won’t be able to leave the toilet for a while.
58 Let’s talk about my emotions instead.
59 It’s too hot.
60 Boyz II Men don’t know what they’re talking about.
61 The baby needs me tonight.
62 This messy house is ruining my sex drive.
63 You’re really attractive to me when you’re chaste.
64 My hemorrhoids are flaring up.
65 I’m catching a cold. Cough, cough.
66 I don’t want to have to shower twice today.
67 I think I got lice from the kids today.
68 I don’t have enough energy for that.
69 I think there’s a monster in the closet.
70 I need to mop the kitchen floor.
71 I think your grandpa watches us.
72 I feel fat.
73 I just took a bunch of Benadryl and I’m sleepy.
74 I am too sweaty.
75 I don’t feel 100% tonight.
76 I just ran a marathon and can’t feel my legs.
77 The dog looks too comfortable to move him from the bed.
78 I’m hanging out with the Ambien walrus right now.
79 Not tonight.
80 You’re way too drunk.
81 I have to poop.
82 I prefer to do it on the weekends only.
83 There’s a disturbance in the forest.
84 I don’t like it when the hampsters watch.
85 I’ve been dealing with a urinary incontinence problem all week.
86 I just can’t do it, you look too much like your father tonight.
87 I’m feeling nauseous.
88 I have to be up early and it takes too long.
89 I want to save it for a special occasion (like our anniversary next year).
90 I’m pregnant and can’t move.
91 I have a suspicious rash on my right thigh.
92 You don’t smell right.
93 I just got a spray tan.
94 I invited your mother over for movie night.
95 I’m having a pelvic exam tomorrow.
96 I need to bleach my moustache.
97 I was abducted by aliens last night.
98 I got sprayed by a skunk.
99 It’s too cold for that.
100 My machinery is recharging.

What about you, my friends? Do you have any excuses that aren’t listed? Do you have a favorite that you’d like to share with us? Have you ever hid in the garage all night to avoid your husband? Let me know in the comments below!

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